Brain dump: making it make sense in the rat race.

This picture has nothing to do with these words.

It just reminds me of a time when none of this sh*t mattered. At all.

Back in November, I made a post on LinkedIn announcing my exit from my job at Audible, noting I’ve never made my career my personality and thanking God for that. Three months later, and after a spiral of a week and weekend, I still thank God, but I have questions.

I found myself wondering if maybe I should have put some more effort into defining my personal brand through work. Everything happens for a reason, but looking at my resume and thinking about the past sixteen years of working in this country, I literally caught myself and said, “WOW, you’ve been all over the place. You need to make it make sense.” The challenge is I have to make it make sense quickly because, unfortunately, and moment of transparency here, I’m an insomniac and have been since I was a teen. So I probably needed to write this down more than you needed to read it.

There have been so many versions of Marlon. We can start with the ones who don’t even know me as Marlon and affectionately call me Torel (pronounced tuh-rell), the bright-eyed, eager nineteen-year-old who juggled college and produced some of the coolest events you never saw or barely heard about. Then there’s the Spotify Marlon and the post-Spotify Marlon, the very outside Marlon that you’re calling to find out what to do tonight, and Audible Marlon, the Marlon you didn’t even know had a job for real and left work at work. All of these versions have been great. I’m great at what I do, and that’s why this moment is so baffling to me.

A victim of doom-scrolling, I read and watch everything on social media. My algorithm is a hodgepodge of content, from layoffs to orca whale hunting techniques. I consume. The content that fascinates me the most is the layoff content, not only because I now face that reality for the third time in my life, but because the stories are so similar: other people who are great at what they do getting the short end of the stick in the job market. I start thinking about the time a coworker told me I am “always calm, [I] don’t look busy enough” (at the time, I was producing events across America monthly, but OK), then a manager told me they love that “I’m even-keeled under pressure,” so which one do you want? I can confidently say no work or job I’ve ever done has been so difficult that it couldn’t be figured out. Hence, I’m always going to look cool, calm, and collected. I see so many other people echoing the same sentiments about their work ethic, their capabilities, and their current situation. It blows my mind.

Last week, I got back-to-back calls about contract roles within the tech space, specifically in experiential marketing. I found that interesting. Recruiters were hounding me to chat because “they think I’d be a great fit for the role.” It sounds nice. I can produce an event and tie it to a company’s marketing goals with my eyes closed, but I also had a very uneasy feeling chatting with these recruiters. So you’re saying you called me because you saw my experience and thought I’d be great. Now you want me to sell you on why I’d be great? Is everyone OK right now? It’s not about entitlement, because of course one must run the race if they want to win, but it’s more about how many times one needs to be in this rat race that doesn’t seem to favor the people who actually can innovate and invent before they ask. This process needs to be put to the test and updated. One HR specialist even suggested that those who challenge the norm and introduce new ideas or processes tend to be the first to get the boot because they are considered disrupters. I think she should start with this hiring process, disrupt it, and change the narrative for the disrupters.

But anyway. This is where making it all make sense comes back in. Yes, I’m good at what I do, and people love my work and “vibes.” Now I have to do it for myself. Tie all these years of experience to my personal marketing goal. Instead of just being forward-thinking for someone else’s brand (and I’m still open to do that without a Black tax on the salary, by the way), I need to figure out what’s happening over here. We’re still working on the rollout for MTRL Hair. We want it to be more than just a storefront for some bundles and wigs, more to come on that. I’m definitely learning that entrepreneurship requires time and sacrifice. If you don’t sacrifice that time, nothing is going to get done. I want to get things done and enjoy whatever is happening now while allowing the creative juices to flow.

I’m giving myself grace and taking it day by day. Eventually, you all will get all this MTRL.